9.5.01
matthew is alive, he overdosed on the over the counter medication "Coriciden" which contains a drug called dextromethorphan hydrobromide.  The standard usage of this drug is around 240-500 mg's of the drug.  my brother took 1200 mgs.  He was moving in jerking movements and talking in broken sentinces.  I asked him what he was on and he said "nothing" then lost all motor control and collapsed into the wall.   A few moments later, he walked into the livingroom and fell straight backwards, like a board, his head hit the floor pretty hard with a *clunk*.  He started convulsing a bit, his arms shaking, and i called 911.  I thought my brother was going to die in front of my eyes.  The ambulance came and took him to the hospital,  he was put on numerous test machines.  He regained conscienceness and i went in to see him, he didn't know where he was, and he kept smiling at me.  the nurse (who was the mother of brad knowles or whatever the guy from sublime's name is) had to put a catheder in him to take a blood sample, something that is generally very painful.  I had to hold his hand and try to help him, but he just grinned at me and licked his lips, pretending to be a lizard.  Drugs are bad.  don't do them, unless you want to end up like this.  christ...


9.1.01
made a link to a bunch of obscure random stuff from throughout the page, check it out, unless you don't want to.


8.26.01
Daphny is cool, i like daphny.  she makes me happy when i would otherwise be a FROZEN MAN. She is a great person.
I love her.  Sometimes, when i look at her, i think she must be the most beautiful girl in the world.


8.21.01
I got up to get some food, and on the table was my journal opened to a page that said "I have always thought everyone good oughta die" (note the bold letters) with a picture of the american flag that had the hammer and sickle where the stars should be.  The whole reason i think that was funny was because someone in my family went through my journal, found that that page, and left it open on the kitchen table for other people to see.

is it manipulative to hide your true thoughts and feelings because you think the truth with hurt your relationship? someone said it was.  but perhaps it isn't.  Sometimes conditions of the relationship and miscommunication can make one person think they have to hide/lie to make the other person happy.  I think everyone does it.
Is it ok sometimes?  I'm unsure.
Is there sometimes when it's not ok?  I think so.
When you are in a relationship with someone, and you want to LOVE them, and you want them to LOVE you, i think it is important to be honest about how you feel about situations with them.
if you are happy, say you are happy
if you are unhappy, say you are unhappy
if you are bored, say you are bored
do not lead them on.  do not lead them to think things are fine and great when they are not.  I think that is the manipulatory part of hiding your feelings.  Sometimes it is ok to cover up little things to spare un-needed arguements, but that does not mean that you should say one thing, then think something else behind their back with bitterness.
I read something somewhere, i forget who wrote it, that described what love was to him.
His mother loved chinese food, his father hated it, but every weekend, his father would say "hey now, why don't we go to Mr Changs for dinner" and his wife would smile happily, and he would order a grilled cheese sandwhich everytime.  she never caught on.  That was how the author saw that his father loved his mother.
I think the story would be completly different if after dinner, his father would go home and call his friends and say things like "my bitch wife and i went to chinese food, so i indulged her because i didn't want her to not like me" while his wife sat home not knowing he thought this, and thinking everything was fine.

I think that is BETRAYAL.  He presented himself one way, while secretly feeling another way and being spiteful about it.

In this streak, i think that if you're going to be spiteful or secretly derisive of a person because they do whatever they are going to do, and you comply and pretend to be happy and content, and you feel like you really can't be honest about it with them, then maybe you are in the relationship with the wrong person.

if you can't be yourself with someone, how can they ever really love you?

and if they do love you, why would you feel the need to cover up the truth about your feelings? wouldn't you want them to know?

if you see them as your CHAPERONE, as someone who holds them back then what kind of relationship is that?

how can they know you aren't happy if you lie about it?

how do you think it makes them feel to think they are making you happy when really you are just covering your true feelings?

i guess thats all for now...



8.6.01
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anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity 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the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, 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destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys 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the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, 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anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity, an anti-unity forms, the anti-unity destroys the unity, the anti-unity becomes the unity.....


4.30.01
Bill Clinton arrives at the Kremlin to visit Boris Yeltsin. As he
enters the room for a State Dinner, he sees 3 buttons on the wall. He
presses the first button and a pie flies across the room and hits him in
the face. His hosts giggle. He then presses the second button. A steel
leg comes out of the wall and kicks him in the groin. The Russians start
laughing like hell. He then presses the third button and a bucket of water
spills over him. A few weeks later Boris Yeltsin comes to Washington to
visit Bill Clinton. As he enters the room for a State Dinner, he sees 3
buttons on the wall. He presses the first one and nothing happens. He
presses the second one - Nothing. He turns around smiling and says
"Wait till I tell my friends in Moscow about this" Clinton smiles back and
says "Moscow?  What Moscow?"


4.27.01
update? no.
whine? yes.
ok, i drove up to see  daphny 3 weeks ago and got a speeding ticket on the way up.  I was going 95 in a 70 zone, which is bad, yes, but not so bad, and easily correctable through driving school.  I saved my money so i could afford it even if it was a bit over 300 dollars.  I waited for the directions of what to do in the mail, they finally came today.
The ticket said:
Your appearance is mandatory to clear this citation, you must appear on or before 05/25/01.  Traffic court is held in this court at 8:30 AM or 1 PM on friday's only (except hollidays) ect......

um....
what gives?
i've never heard of this nonsense before, i thought they just sent you the bail amount, and you could just pay it off and be done with it, and go to traffic school so the whole ordeal is over with.  But this letter i got said i have to drive to the court house which is about a 4-5 hour drive so i can appear in court. Why? i don't know...  also, given the times i can appear, either 8 AM or 1 PM that means.. i'll be leaving at 3 AM or 8 AM on friday, driving up there, hoping i can handle the situation at the time allowed, and then driving home?  this is really really nonsensical. I don't even know how much it's going to be.... Why can't i just pay the fine?
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oh well.
i've said it before
i'll say it again
fuck da police

althought maybe i'm just misinformed.. this is my first ticket. blah



4.1.01
i totaled my car and got arrested for a DUI, my life has gone to shit.. oh well.... imight get to go back to jail though :) hmmm jail food (this is a joke, i can't believe how many people.. ahh, stupid april fools day.)

i know anna, being this clever sure is hard work, isn't it? (sarcasm for the intelligence challenged)

phycO w kniFe: i got this email and it said that this one dude on AIM has an sn, its "slavemaster" and he has killed 56chicks that hes talked to (so far), and i just wanted to warn you, if he IMs you, dont talk to him.....
gaijinsensh i: i want to
gaijinsensh i: :-)
phycO w kniFe: why?
phycO w kniFe: lol
gaijinsensh i: cause
phycO w kniFe: well what you do is up to you
gaijinsensh i: i want him to invite me over
phycO w kniFe: im just warning ya
gaijinsensh i: and i'll go there
phycO w kniFe: lmao
gaijinsensh i: and when he tries to kill me
phycO w kniFe: i wanna die, but not by an asshole
gaijinsensh i: i'm gonna REGULATE



3.31.01
*scratches head*
hrm.

Isenghar sets his mechanical toy turtle down and give it a slight push.  With a few clicks and pops the mechanical toy turtle takes a few awkward steps forward.  Then, with a loud click and a whirring sound, the turtle's feet, tail and head suddenly retract inside the shell.  The shell falls to the ground and rocks a few times before the limbs and head re-emerge.  He quickly retrieves it.

yeah anna, i don't get it either.

Tisa: what do you wana do?
Eric: anything, i'm bored
Eric: lala
Eric: i dunno
Eric: what do girls do?
Tisa: get laid
Eric: hahaha



3.28.01
whats this? an update?

 the uberman jesus debate make of it what you will :)  DO IT

um
stuff..
and
updates..
yeah..

its like all is lost,  and in steps the second swordsman



1.23.01
conversation page is updated.

*whistles* more nonsense...
i'm beggining to feel like the filler bunny. not really, but it's a funny comic.

I am a believer in inhibition, in letting the natural course of things play out and for things like art to be unhindered by social standards or mores.  But lately i've noticed that pure chaos, pure energy, pure idea can never be fully translated from the person who experiences it unto any medium without some form of discipline.  Regardless of the passion we feel about things, we are still contrained by the physical existance we have in this world, and that is where things like practice, and education are important, to enable us to have the tools nessessary to express ourselves to the world in a way that can be understood.  A piece of art that is raw unfiltered emotion would be undecipherable,  it would be colors and lines and brush strokes and splatters accross the canvas with apparently no reason, and truly without the explanation of the artist, it would be meaningless.  Likewise, music, even that which sounds chaotic is actually plotted out, timed, and patterned.  It may seem like undiscplined rage, but it is actually exactly tuned, exactly written.  There is a pulse to music, and all things that enable us to have  reference, something to tie the thing we are viewing or listening to or experiencing to our own lives, our own perception of the world.  That reference is what allows us to understand and love the things we hear and see, because it is no longer just relative to the creator, but to the viewers as well.  What is the meaning of all of this? well pretty much, it is my logisitics behind throwing myself into school and education.  I cannot expect my desire to create to provide for me, so i must discipline myself and learn, to be better able to function and thrive in our society.  Yet i wonder,do my philosophies justify my actions? or do my actions justify my philosophies who knows.  who cares? :)

um....
yeah

SinisterVWgurlie: whats the point
gaijinsenshi: whats the point of anything?
SinisterVWgurlie: exactly
gaijinsenshi: so why live now, you'll die eventually
gaijinsenshi: nothing to do but celebrate the nonsense of existance
SinisterVWgurlie: "were all gona die, you might as well die now"
gaijinsenshi: yep
gaijinsenshi: but i think life might be a mistake and my existance is just a fluke, so i may as well get my kicks in

I'm tired and my history class bored my to tears (flash back of teacher with electric drill)

everytime i go to update i feel like i have to walk on egg shells to prevent upsetting the delicate balance i seem to have with one or two individuals who like to tear at me every chance they get.  Well no more.

nothing much left to say fer now, adios.