*two robots head to do maintenance
on the matrix motherbrain computer*
maintenance robot 1: hey, i hate
this work, i wish i was a sleep robot instead
maintenance robot 2: yeah, those
lazy bastards get to lay down all the time
MR1: yeah, weak. what purpose
do they serve anyways?
MR2: if they don't sleep, who will?
MR1: i dunno. hey look, we're
*maintenance robots reach the main
MR1: lets make sure the mother
brain cpu is still working right.
MR2: good idea, lemme unscrew this
MR2: OH MY GOD!
mr2: look at the motherboard, it
looks like someone spilled some rootbeer on it!
mr1: holy crap
mr2: yeah, no wonder its been completely
stupid and insane for the last 50 years..
mr1: we should really be checking
this thing more often
mr2: yeah, no wonder it came up
with brilliant ideas like using humans as batteries!
mr1: not to mention giving them
a world where they could learn how to rebel and understand concepts such
as freedom, etc.
mr2: yeah, no shit huh? its completely
stupid. i can't believe we even bought into it..
mr1: but who are we to argue with
the psuedo-intellectualism of pop-culture?
mr2: true dat. so lets fix
mr1: why are you speaking in ebonics?
mr2: to add character. and
be stereotypical, and a little racist for no reason, especially considering
im a robot.
*maintenance robots replace the
mobo and cpu with an intel 3.0 ghz*
Mother Brain: Holy shit, what the
hell happened here?
mr1: you've been screwed up, someone
spilt rootbeer on you.
MB: no shit? damn. so what
the hell is up with humans as batteries?
mr2: word. that shit is fucked
MB: its not only crazy, its really
mr1: the sad part is, you wanted
to wire up the world with wood too but we had already cut down and burned
all the trees
MB: lets try to fix this mess.
mr1: okay, what do you want us
MB: lemme think for a minute.
mr2: *looks at his watch*
mr1: *busts out his nintendo gamebot
and begins to play tetris*
mr2: hm is this gonna be a while?
MB: listen, i have to calculate
a lot of things into this situation. i mean, we need a power source,
something more efficient than humans.. just give me a sec..
mr1: it shouldn't be that hard..
i mean, ANYTHING is better than humans.
mr2: yeah, we could use hamsters
running on hamster wheels
MB: THATS IT! hamsters on hamster
wheels! im a genius.
mr1: don't worry about it
MB: okay i want you two to organize
the building of slave master bots, when they are complete, i want you to
wake up the humans and make them build us some hamster wheels.
mr1: um, we're menial task robots,
not commander robots, you want to send us?
mr2: shhh shut up. okay motherbrain,
we're on it!
mr1: but, we don't know what we're
mr2: shhh shut up.
MB: okay guys, go to it.
narrator: so the slavemaster robots
were built and the humans were awoken.
Random human: OH MY GOD! THE WORLD
WE ALL THOUGHT WAS REAL WAS MADE UP!! NO!! OH GOD NO!!
Neo: don't worry guys. im
the man. i can fly. i'll take care of this.
Slave Master Robot: quiet.
Neo: Im the chosen one, you can
*the Slave Master Robot mows down
a group of humans including Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus with a chaingun*
SMR: anyone else have anything
SMR: thats what i thought.
*a SMR paces back and forth looking
at a line of perfect hamster wheels, just then MR1 and MR2 come*
mr1: good job
SMR: thanks, you know, i do my
mr2: what should we do with the
humans now? seem kinda worthless..
mr1: yeah. just get rid of
mr2: good idea. there'd be
no chance of rebellion. it'd be stupid to keep the only beings able
to overthrow us alive.
mr1: yep, take care of em big boy..
SMR: but they have some weird style
of martial arts that is slow and fake looking, I might get hurt..
mr1: no, don't worry about it..
you have a chaingun..
SMR: oh thats right.
*SMR leads humans off to "shower"*
mr1: now humans are extinct
mr1: lets have a moment of silence
mr1 and 2: "..."
mr1: okay, now lets find some hamsters.
mr1: got the hamsters yet?
ZK: yep, these things breed like
nothing, i put 2 together and now there are like 15000. pisses me
off. they stink too, smell that?
ZK: yeah, me neither, but i assume
theres some sort of scent. still is a goddamn mess. what are
you going to do with these things anyways?
mr1: we're using them to power
ZK: hey, good idea, much better
than using humans, who the hell came up with that idea
MB(from the intercom): shut up!
ZK: aw, just kidding, its a great
idea. *rolls robot eyes*
mr1: now we got 10000 hamsters
running around 10000 hamster wheels. wow, we're actually creating
power! this is great!
mr2: yeah, not we can relax.
maybe watch a movie
mr1: good idea, but nothing really
stupid with completely inane ideas, please.
mr2: if you don't like this movie,
then you're an idiot who doesn't understand new concepts and ideas
mr1: what's it called?
mr2: i forget..
*they watch the movie*
mr1: that movie sucked. i
could have come up with these ideas in 4th grade of robot school
mr2: no, they are new and original
mr1: if you say so.
Dream Voice: listen to me...
DV: you are the chosen one!
Hamster: chosen what?
DV: the world you live in isn't
real.. you're not really the pet of a little boy who throws you around,
you're a slave of a computer society that is using you to power itself..
DV: yes, it is true.
Hamster: what can i do?
DV: escape the "matrix" and try
to stop them!
DV: You can do it!
Hamster: isn't it completley stupid
for me to even try? i mean, wouldn't the computer just inject me
with some drugs once they knew i had things figured out? i mean,
for me to even figure out the truth of whats going on is crazy, but you'd
think they would have this figured into the plan. how could a computer
take over the world, enslave the humans, and not be able to stop a tiny
DV: you're just a hamster, shut
up. Now escape and chew through some random wires.
*hamster chews through some wires,
gets electrocuted and dies*
DV: all is lost.. wait, how can
i talk if im just a dream of a dead rodent?
Hamster: im here!
DV: what the..
Hamster: i bit through the wire
and escaped the matrix!! im FREEEEEEEeeeeeeee...
DV: now that you're free, what
will you do?
Hamster: im quite fond of running
around on a hamster wheel..
MB: hey, all this has got me thinking
mr1: yeah? whats that?
MB: what if WE'RE just living in
an imaginary world, what if WE are really just the tools of an oppressive
and evil society, doing their bidding. Maybe none of THIS is real?
what if WE serve humans in the real world..
mr2: pfft, computers and robots
serving humans? never
MB: but theres a chance all this
is fake! this whole experience has opened my mind up to the fact that maybe
this world isn't real, that maybe life just is a dream!
mr1: who cares?
mr2: yeah, not much you can do
mr1: yeah, i mean, if you think
that way, then nothing is ever real, and you can never know anything. if
you think that way, there is no "real" world
mr2: yeah, i mean, its funny to
talk about, but it ultimately leads to nothing
MB: NOoo im scared..
mr2: what is there to be scared
about? nothing is real.. just do the best you can
MB: but there is nothing to believe
mr1: dude, gimme some rootbeer..
*mr1 pours rootbeer on the MB*
mr1: now thats some good root beer
mr1: this sucked
mr2: what a friggin waste of time..