The battle of 6.15.99:
JarJar
Vs.
Bob Saget
One of these two losers will survive.. but which
one?
Jimbo:
When my buddy first told
me about this fight, I thought he was joking. JarJar Binks versus Bob Saget?
What the fuck? What were they thinking? It's no contest, Saget will obliterte
JarJar's amphibious ass. Now I know what you're thinking, "Bob Saget? That
fag?" The persona he put up on America's Funniest was just a mask, Bob's
shield, trying to forget his past full of anger and violence. Bob spent
four years in a Guatemalen jail as a political prisoner, captured from
his Forced Recon unit while planning a raid on a Geurilla weapons depot.
There the guards tortured him daily by forcing him to wear a Barney suit,
bend over a wooden desk while the entire staff gang raped him while they
played mexican industrial music in the background. After four years of
hell, he was liberated by a drunken midget named Poncho. Now he's a shell
of a man, filled with rage and psychotic impulses to kill and maim. When
the smoke clears, Jar Jar will be a gooey green splotch on the canvas.
Eric:
Come on. Bob Saget is
the largest homosexual in television. If you have any question who
will win this fight, jook at his picture. In a fight like this, it
isn't the best man, it's the lesser of two evil's and while Jar Jar is
pretty fucking stupid, Bob Saget is just well, I can't think of any worse
insult then stating he is Bob Saget. Even his name is gay, look what
it rhymes with? Jar Jar at least has his uses. Where the hell
would poor Natalie Portman (Queen Amidala) be without the help of the Gungun's?
sure they are stupid and lame and retarded, but at least they have use.
Bob Saget has none. He's so stupid its not even worth making fun
of, because nothing we could say is as bad as the truth. The only
thing that was true about him being a political prisoner was that yes,
he was once the whore of many Guatemalen homosexuals, but it wasn't rape
because he paid them to do it. Jar Jar will triumph in this battle.
Jimbo:
Okay, this is all I have
left to say about this fight. Jar Jar sucks ass. He resides in a temple
of lameness and has encroached into Lucasfilm to soil the sanctity of the
latest edition to the StarWars saga. In fact, he's invading stores by force
with thousands upon thousands of tiny plastic versions of himself, spreading
a sea of little flamer gunguns everywhere. Not to say that Bob Sagat doesn't
reside in a similar temple of homosexuality, it's just that he stays within
his dominion of lame shows. We don't see action figures of Bob staring
out at us from toy store shelves, and if we did, we'd dispense them to
the netherrealm with m-80's just as quickly as the Jar Jar action figure
i stuffed into the garbage disposal this morning. In short, Jar Jar is
way out of his league, he's overstepped his bounds for the last time. Jar
Jar must pay, Jar Jar must suffer, Jar Jar must die!!!!
Eric:
Okay, I will admit, that
yes, Jar Jar Binks is invading pop culture like some sort of stupid jamaican
plague. But the fact still stands that as lame, gay, and stupid Jar
Jar is, he will never be as lame, gay or stupid as Bob Saget. The
two are on seperate levels. Sure Jar Jar sucks, and he's fit for
any ridicule that comes his way, but I mean, Bob Saget personifies everything
that sucks in the world. Look at "Full House" a show about three
gay guys living together raising three young girls. Yet, somehow,
he still stood out as easily the most homosexual of the three. Bob
Saget has no real redeaming qualities whatsoever, and in this writer's
opinion, Jar Jar binks will bite Bob Saget's face off with his big dorky
mouth sooner then Bob Saget will be able to dispose of Jar Jar with his
pantented "Gay monkey slap"
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